Alternative Hansel & Gretel – Oliver B

This is just brilliant! Oliver has written a laugh out loud story from first to last word.

I just despise children! Like really despise, know what I mean? No, you don’t?  Well let me explain then. I have decided that children are ungrateful little brats who act without proof. Anyway, I need to start telling the story. I am here to correct a tale that has been told so many times it has become a fairy tale.The truth shall be told at last! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

My name is Wartnose Baggins and I am 147 year old witch. I have stunning blond hair and perfectly smooth skin (although this may be because of the Polyjuice potion I am frequently using). Anyway, this story isn’t about me, it’s about two despicable children named Hansel and Gretel. So I was sitting in my house, practising a summoning charm and chewing on a few floor tiles (My house is made of edible materials, my teeth aren’t strong enough to bite into marble anymore) when a terrible draught came through the opposite wall. Furious, I picked up my wand and hobbled over to the wall, ready to curse the mice who were eating my house into oblivion.                                                           “Right then, you scumbag!” I had screeched in rodent “I’ll give you 5 seconds to scarper!” But it wasn’t a mouse…

It was a child! A human child I tell you! Well, I hadn’t had a human in my presence since 1913! I was still furious at it for taking a chunk out of my house but I was nice. I was kind. I welcomed the children (I discovered there were two of them, one male and one female) inside for some soup. The boy was skinny and gangly, with mouse brown hair, and the girl was rather fat and dumpy, with a face like a pig and hands like dustbin lids.  They were very nice to me, and I learned that they were called Hansel and Gretel. It then occurred to me that they were alone in the forest. When I asked why, however, their eyes filled with tears.                                                                                                                          “Our mother abandoned us and left us to rot!” Hansel had sobbed. I felt extremely sorry for the little dears and invited them to stay the night. They politely accepted and I put them to into a slumber with a sleep potion.

When they awoke, I summoned them up a glorious English breakfast. I must admit that it was the best day of my life! For once I was happy! I had Gretel to help me with the chores, with 2 hour breaks 3 times a day, and I let Hansel watch TV and play chess with Tiddles (my highly intelligent cat). I made sure I fattened them up so that they were able to survive when I released them back into the forest to so they could find their way home.

Then, one night, I was talking to tiddles about those infernal mice.                                                                           “We’ll get them soon, my sweet,” I had whispered “We’ll put them to sleep with sugar cubes stuffed with sleeping potion and then we’ll see what’ll be eaten!” Just then I heard a noise like an angry buffalo and the door to the Hansel’s room burst open. The next thing I new, I was on fire and being called lots of things which I won’t repeat. It turned out that the idiotic boy had assumed that I was talking about him and his sister, so he had charged out of the door and shoved me into the oven! It was pain beyond your wildest dreams.

“Let me out, you overgrown fur-ball!” I had screamed at Tiddles.   After roughly three days of unbearable agony (it’s hard to keep track of time when you’re stuck in an oven) I was able to catch Tiddles’ attention and get him to open the oven door. I clambered out, covered in burns, only to find my house in ruins. The little brats had eaten me out of house and home, literally!  Well, if I could walk I would’ve gone to their house and blasted them to pieces. Unfortunately, however, couldn’t, so I sent up a flare with my wand (it’s made of fireproof wood) and waited.




Eventually, people from the local village found me and called healers from St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. They transported me to a bed where I lay for about 4 months. I met quite a few patients, some with injuries worse than mine. One man had been bitted by a werewolf, poor fellow. No cure for that. Another man had been bitten by a snake. He was a nice fellow, red hair, quite elderly. He had loads of kids; I saw them on Christmas day

. They were quite secretive, kept talking about “The Order.” Anyway, I got out of hospital (After requesting the redhead’s phone number) and managed to get home on my own. I spent another few days looking for the remains of my house and, when I found it, repaired it. I was still furious and was close to doing a Voldermort. However, I kept my temper and rang the police. The officer arrived at my house and told me to sit down. I obliged and planted my backside in my sherbet stuffed gingerbread armchair. He questioned me about my habits and stuff, and then came to his decision         “I have come to the conclusion that you, Wartnose Baggins, got drunk, ate your house and jumped into the oven” he said in a half apologetic, half stern voice                                                                          “And where is the evidence of this?” I had replied, graciously I hope. He didn’t bother to answer this, but looked over at the sherry store I shrunk and always keep hidden under my fridge. I turned the officer into a mouse, fed him to Tiddles and jumped onto my Firebolt (world cup standard broom, you know,) and flew off. I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I eventually arrived at the house, (after being whacked over the head by the next door neighbour when I turned up at her place instead) using a magical compass to locate the house. The good news: it was the right house. The bad news: they invited the woodcutter from red riding hood over to tea. I quickly transfigured the brats into sea urchins, and then tried to run from the woodcutter.                            “Get back here, you hag!” he bellowed. I mean really, just because I’m 147 doesn’t mean I’m a hag! I got hit by the axe a couple of times but then, in my panic, I tried to disapparate. I forgot that I wasn’t stable. I splinched myself.

So here I am, back in St.Mungo’s, trying to regrow my left arm. It’s a painful process, but it’ll be worth it in the end. I just hope that life will be easier for me now, as people should know that I’m not actually that bad. I’m getting sick of receiving Howlers from people who believe the brats (they were turned back by wizards from the ministry). So, I beg you to please pass along this truthful account of events. If you do, I’ll be able to lead an almost normal life.


Wartnose Baggins, 147



My main purpose of writing this story is to make the reader feel sympathy for the witch, but to also laugh. She is made out to be an evil character by Hansel and Gretel and is miserable at the end of the story. Ultimately, I want her to be a character to be pitied, but I also need the reader to laugh.

Points of view: Wilf Wolf & Scarlet Hood Letters

As an introduction to writing stories from a point of view, we revisited the trial of Wilf Wolf, which we had looked at earlier in the year. The children were placed in groups and asked to write letters from the point of view of either Scarlet Hood or Wilf Wolf immediately after the trial. we start off with the letter written by Oliver B, Henry & James.


Dear Scarlet Hood,

I told you so! Finally, I have been proven right!  I am glad the court has uncovered the truth. You have wasted my valuable time which I could have spent making more pizza’. This is an outrage!

I disgusted that you could stitch up a poor innocent wolf who just wanted to make an honest living. You have ruined my reputation as the best cook Domino’s has ever seen. Thanks to this infernal trial, many customers have cold, burnt pizzas that have been delivered late.

You have infuriated the Lord High Emperor, Wolfus Gigantus, by accusing his son and heir of vicious murder. I might add that in the wolf kingdom we still have the death penalty and stitching someone up is a crime to us. We wolves never forget, and although I’m a tame wolf now, I won’t be if this happens to any of our tribe again.

I am going to leave you in peace, so you can enjoy the rest of your day,but I must again remind you to tell your family never to mess with us wolves again. You must do this, as I have my own army of private assasins, being a prince and all.

Yours sincerely,

Wilf Wolf

P.S- Please inform your grandma that I spent the fiver on new hunting weapons for rabbit hunting. She is also welcome to have another pizza- half price.

Greek style myths – Oliver B

Lo- I can write a myth

Dardanos trudged home miserably, kicking aside a stick.  Another day hunting and only one cow caught. Of course, he knew why this was. All of the animals had been scared of by the Gorog, a fierce monster as tall as a mountain.  He looked up at the sun shining above him. Was it just him, or was it gradually moving closer?

Dardanos sighed, opened the door of his hut and lit the fire. His owl stared at him expectantly.                 “Take it” he muttered cutting off a slab of cow and handing it to the bird. It nipped his finger affectionately and took off.  After putting away Hawker (his bow) and after treating himself to a roast cow, Dardanos settled himself in bed and drifted off to sleep.

A blinding flash of light awoke Dardanos with a start. A man, with dark hair and piercing blue eyes, was standing over him. When he saw that Dardanos was awake, he smiled.                                                        “Good Morn, Son,” the man laughed. Dardanus stared. He had been told his father had left him when he was a baby and he had been raised by his mother.                                                                                 “I am Apollo, god of the sun and archery. You are a demigod, my son. I have seen you practise hunt with your bow and arrow, and you could rival me.” Dardanos simply opened and closed his mouth in amazement. His father thought he could rival him! Apollo waved an airy hand and three things appeared in his hand. 2 were arrows, one with a blue point and the other with a red. The other was two knives. Apollo handed them to Dardanos.                                                                                 “I have seen thy potential and ask thee to go to fight Gorog. You will rescue Aphrodite, as the Gorog has snatched her out of the heavens and imprisoned her. As you may have noticed, the land has become ugly and all happiness is dying. This is because of her imprisonment. The Gorog was born from the same sea foam as Aphrodite and is her complete opposite.” Apollo waved a hand and a bundle fell on the bed. He picked out 4 items, 2 arrows (one with a red tip and the other with a blue) and 2 knives. He shoved these into Dardanus’ hands.                                                                                          “The knives were made by the Cyclops themselves. They will allow you to cut through any substance. The blue tipped arrow will work as a guide, showing thee the way to the Gorog. The red arrow will create an explosion large enough to kill the Gorog.” With that, Apollo strode out of the hut and clambered into a chariot. As soon as Apollo got in, the chariot zoomed up into the sky to become the sun again.

Dardanus clambered out of bed and grabbed his quiver. He placed the two arrows in it and set off at once. He pulled out the guide arrow and held it in the palm of his hand, examining it. Suddenly, it glowed and a dotted blue line appeared on the ground. He stared for a moment at the ground and then set off at a run.  There was no time to lose.

After about half an hour, Dardanus came to a river. On the bank was a boat, big enough to carry one man. Dardanus climbed in and started to row. It was hard work. Suddenly, a massive wave tossed the boat upside down. Dardanus was thrown from the boat and fell onto the bank again. That was no ordinary wave. After leaping onto the remains of the boat (a plank of wood), Dardanus continued on his journey.

Eventually, Dardanus reached a massive island. Dardanus jumped out and followed the path that the arrow was showing. A clump of trees loomed ahead and the line stopped there. Confused, Dardanus sat down underneath a tree. Suddenly, he heard a rumbling from behind him and he whirled around. The trees were rising from the ground, followed by a scaly body. The Gorog had risen.

Dardanus gasped. The Gorog had razor sharp teeth, tipped with blood. A puff of smoke emitted from its mouth, suggesting that it could breathe fire. Its back was covered in spikes, large enough to impale ten chariots. Its body ended with a tail tipped with a spike. The Gorog stood on its hind legs, and roared.

Dardanus was blasted off his feet by the wall of sound. He looked up. The Gorog was sniffing around. It had no eyes so it was trying to smell him. Dardanus rolled aside and pulled out his knives. This was the time for them to be put to use. He grabbed them and lunged. The knives pierced the Gorog’s leg. It gave a roar of pain and reared again. Dardanus new what was coming next. He jumped behind the Gorog and readied the explosive arrow.  He fired. The Gorog snarled as the arrow pierced its skin. Gradually, it moved closer to Dardanus, leering. Suddenly, it froze. A tremendous bang filled the island. When the smoke had cleared, all that was left of the Gorog was its bones…

After staring at the bones of the tremendous beast, Dardanus remembered why he was here. He wandered around for a bit, looking for any sign of Aphrodite. Eventually he found her, strapped to a tree at the other end of the island. Aphrodite was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Words failed to describe just how she looked, as she was constantly changing.  Dardanus carefully sliced through the ropes with his knives and she fell to the ground.                                                                             “I thank thy, brave hero. I am drained of energy and can barely walk. If thy could carry me, then I will be able to repair your boat, sail back to your hut and fly from there back to Olympus.” Aphrodite said softly.                                                                                                                                                                             “Why can thy not simply fly up to Olympus now.” Dardanus asked.                                                                                               Dardanus picked her up and carried her to the ruined boat. He stumbled on a rock. Suddenly, a searing pain burned in his leg. He looked down to see yellow pus issuing from his leg and a fang from the Gorog’s mouth was protruding from it. He must have fallen onto a fang when he stumbled, and the Gorog’s teeth were poisoned…

Dardanus groaned. He was immobalized by pain and Aphrodite was nowhere to be seen. Within 5 minutes, he was no more. A girl walked out from the shadows. It was Aphrodite. She leant over the corpse of Dardanus and breathed.                                                                                                                                         “ Live,” She then muttered. Dardanus’s eyes fluttered open. He grasped Aphrodite’s hand and they flew up, god of love and god of quests. Dardanus was now immortal.

Non – Chronological Reports: Oliver B

African Animals

There are many animals that live in Africa, some savage hunters and others harmless as a cow. The animals that are mentioned in this report, however, are the killers, the predators. Some reptilian, some mammal, these carnivorous animals will go to any means to find a way to capture their prey…


The wild African dogs are commonly found in the plains, the semi-desert, bushy savannah and the woodlands and therefore it mainly preys on antelope, warthog and waterbuck as they live in those areas. 80 % of dog hunts result in a successful kill. When chasing prey, the dogs can run at an amazing 60 km per-hour.


Wild African Dogs killing their prey

It has a supreme hunting method, finding a young or weak in a herd of antelope, hiding in the grass if any available. A dog will then burst out of the grass to chase the target. If possible, the dog will try to herd together more antelope to increase the chances of a kill. The dog will push the prey towards 3 more dogs hiding in the undergrowth. The threesome will spring out and close in on one specific target. By now, the prey should be exhausted. The dogs close in for the kill and tear the prey apart limb from limb.

Nile Crocodile

The Nile crocodile is an amphibian.  It is found in lakes and rivers in Africa and is known to eat antelope, big cats, fish, lizards, buffalo and even other crocodiles. The babies also eat frogs, small fish and crabs.  The female crocodile normally lays between 20-80 eggs per year, although sometimes the hatched young will eat the eggs of their brothers and sisters, therefore many eggs will be eaten and less will hatch into baby crocodiles.

The crocodile hunts its prey using a method called the death roll. When an animal such as an antelope comes near the waters edge to drink, the crocodile will drag it into the water and roll over and over clutching its prey. Eventually, the prey will drown and the crocodile will tear the prey apart.


Rock Python

The rock python is found near water and on rocky outcrops. They are known to lay 60-80 eggs per year and has a life span of around 20 years. It can grow up to between 5.5-8 metres in length. Although it is not venomous, it has many kinds of bacteria on its teeth and can infect anything it bites. It generally preys on small animals such as rodents, fish, monkeys and lizards and can swallow its prey whole.


Although these animals are all killers, many of them are endangered. The African dog, for example, has its home cut down and so is living in smaller areas of woods which are shrinking rapidly. The Nile crocodile is hunted for its skin and teeth. Eventually, there may be no more of these predators left to kill antelope and fish. However, there are many people who donate to charity to save the endangered animals. But at the moment there are not enough donators to keep them from gradually dying out. Eventually, the animals may be completely wiped out…


Amphibian- an animal that can live on land and water.

Endangered- an endangered animal is on the brink of extinction.



Sources- Worlds Deadliest Animals, ARKive.


This week we have been looking at poetry in Class AS. We decided to write our own raps. We looked at raps performed by Class AS two years ago as a stimulus before writing our own. We were looking for pace, rhythm, rhyme & informal language in our raps. As usual the teachers are in the firing l

LJS upper school teachers rap.

This is the rap bout Liss juniors’ teachers,

Some people think well wicked and nice

But we’re not fooled by their jokes and smiles,

We’d prefer them if they were dice


First is Mr Stanley,

He makes us all giggle.

But here’s something you didn’t know.

He’s great at the Wiggle!


At the top of the school.

Is Mrs K Rorke.

You’ll get your throat slit,

If dare to talk.


Then it’s Mrs Grant,

She runs the school paper.

If you mess around,

You get blasted into vapour.


Next is Miss B,

How she loves to dance.

You should just see her,

Twirl and Prance.


Now it’s Mr Burford

He loves bananas.

No one knows this

But he owns a Lama.


Then it’s Mrs Horrocks,

Our school artist.

Everyone knows

That she’s the smartest.


Mrs Dowthwaite,

Our RE teacher.

It is rumoured,

She was a preacher.

ine. Here’s Oliver B’s