In literacy we have been looking at improving our writing with a range of descriptive devices and sentence starters. We also have spent a good deal of time looking at how we could improve the balance of narrative and dialogue while setting out speech correctly. This week we have tried to apply this in writing an additional scene to The Boy with The Bronze Axe. Some examples can be seen below:
Harrison & Michael
Suddenly Kali woke up. She heard a scream coming from outside of her stone cold home. Shivering in shock she wondered what could have caused the scream. It didn’t sound like the scream of an animal. She looked over to Brockan. He sprang up like a jaguar and he was also shivering like mad.
Brockan whispered, “Kali, Kali did you hear that scream”.
Kali replied, “Yes I did Brockan, you need to get Tenko up and get both your axes”.
Brockan went off and got Tenko.
When Brockan and Tenko came back they went to investigate cautiously in the direction they thought the scream came from.
After a few minutes or so, they walked passed a house where blood was flowing out of the door like Niagara Falls. Kali, Brockan and Tenko entered the building and there before them stood a man with blood all over his axe.
Through the cries of the birds, came a loud, long scream. The sound travelled all the way to Brockan. When he got woken up, he tip toed to Kali’s bed.
“Kali, wake up. I heard a scream!” Brockan quietly squeaked like a mouse.
“A scream, let’s investigate,” replied Kali getting up and putting her cloak on.
“Okay,” whispered Brocken, doing the same.
Walking along, they heard two more pares of feet crunch into the rock hard stones. Kali and Brockan looked behind. It was Fearice and Tonken their friends across the village.
“Guys, did you hear the scream and going to investigate it?” asked Fearice.
“Yes we are,” replied Kali, wondering how she knew that.
Fearice stepped forward to Kali. Her short, dark hair waved against her shoulder. Fearice’s dress went down to her knees.
“Could we come?” asked Tonken as his blonde hair whipped down to his brown, piercing eyes. Kali and Brockan were trees without the wind pushing them. No one spoke like being in an empty, old house.
“Okay, however, stay by me. All of you,” quietly explained Kali. Doubt went to Kali’s heart. Taking Brocken was fine, but Fearice and Tonken was a problem.
When they walked along the stone village, Tonken stood like a statue. Kali, Fearice and Brockan all turned round.
“Tonken, what’s wrong?” wondered Fearice as they all walked towards him. Tonken’s arm stretched out to a body.
There was a man lying on the floor. No breath came out of him and he had no movement. Next to the man was a pool of blood.
“Who could have done this? Some ones dead,” asked Kali as she turned her head.
“Well it looks recent as nothing was here last night, I checked,” replied Fearice. Then next to the blood, was a bronze axe with blood on it. Tenko’s bronze axe.
“Tenko’s a murderer,” sadly wept Brockan. His head went on Kali’s chest. He couldn’t look any more.
One dark and cold night the first thing anyone knew was an ear blowing scream unlike any Brockan had ever heard.
“Kali did you hear that? “Brockan whispered.
“Heard what?” asked Kali
“That massive scream.”
“No. Can you point in the direction you heard it and take me there?”
“Ok.” replied Brockan.
Brockan took Kali to the river where he had hear the scream. When they got there it was all red like blood, then they saw Talon lying there with the bronze axe in his outstretched hand.
“Oh no” whined Brockan, “Tenko is a murderer.”
“You are right Brockan, he is a murderer.”
The next day everyone had seen the red river of blood so they called a meeting at the village hall.
“Someone has been killed and someone must pay.”
“You are right but who did it.”
“I know who did, it was Tenko. I saw the bronze axe!” yelled Brockar.
“We will ask Tenko where he was and then look at the bronze axe if it has blood then he is guilty.
Quickly they went to Birno’s house and questioned Tenko. Tenko replied,
“I was in my bed asleep all night.”
“Can we see your bronze axe?” asked Brokar.
Happily Tenko showed them the axe. It was clean so Tenko was not the murderer. Then Kali and Brockan burst in and yelled,
“Tenko is not the murderer, Brokar is and we can prove it. Get a goat and hit it with an axe and we will see who killed the suspect.”
Tenko went first; he cut right through it. Then Brokar went next, he struck the goat and left a big hole In it.
“Brokar you are the murderer and we have a law. Blood for blood you must be killed.” yelled Birno. Sadly Brokar was killed that night and everything went back to normal again.
A high pitched scream shot through the cold morning air. Brockan jerked up in horror and confusion. This was not the sound of birds greeting the new sun. Hopping out of his stone perch Brockan rushed over to Kali.
“Kali wake up!” Brockan shouted. Slowly Kali sat up and rubbed her eyes, trying to focus.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “I heard a scream.”
“Ok let’s go and investigate!” she answered. Grabbing their cloaks the children quietly left their house. As they hurdled down the dark passage they heard a screech and then silence.
Stepping outside into the still morning, Kali looked down and saw a lady laying in a pool of blood! Besides her was a young girl sobbing. Her head was in her hands whilst her long, brown hair floated in the pool blood. Brockan gasped,
“Oh my gosh a dead body!”
Quickly Kali yelped “Shh Brockan! Are they ok?” she continued. The little girl lifted her head, her eyes as red as roses from crying.
“My mother is dead!” she replied quietly.
“Oh, I am sorry. What is your name?” Kali softly said.
Looking down Brockan saw a bronze axe, Tenko’s bronze axe!
“Tenko’s a murderer!” Brockan whispered to Kali. Brockan’s heart sank.
Kali bent down and told Denim, “Don`t worry we kind of know who the murderer is.”
Kali then told Brockan “Go and get mother and Tenko!”
As quick as a cheetah Brockan sprinted down the passage way. When he got into the stone hut, Brockan got his Mother and Tenko.
Kali was very sad when she saw Tenko even though she loved his shoulder length black hair.
“So what do you have to say Tenko?” she asked Tenko, pointing at the dead body and Denim.
“Oh no!” Tenko shouted in shock.
“Oh! What happened?” asked Kali’s Mother to Kali.
“Well, Tenko is a murderer!” Kali shouted. Just at that moment a tall girl with fair, brown hair and blue eyes came over to them.
“Tenko is innocent!” the girl said.
“What do you mean?” asked Brockan.
“Well I couldn’t sleep so I came out. I saw a man come out of your hut with a bronze axe and kill this lady!” she replied.
“I guess Tenko wouldn’t kill someone since he has done a lot for us,”
Kali answered. “I am sorry Tenko for accusing you and I am sorry Denim that your mother died.”
Just then Brockan had an idea,
“Well can`t Denim live with us?” he said. He looked at his Mum, she thought and then told them,
“Ok, I don`t see why not as long as your father doesn’t mind!” Denims face lit up like a light bulb. Tenko’s green eyes shown in the morning sun, whilst Brockan’s face smiled because he liked Tenko. But who was the murderer?
An electrifying scream whipped through the cold morning air causing Kali to suddenly sit bolt upright in her cold, stone bed. Jumping up, she hurried over to Brockan and shook him roughly awake. Blearily Brockan sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes he asked,
“What is it Kali?”
“I heard someone scream, it sounded close by, let’s go and investigate!” Kali replied already pulling on her sheepskin cloak.
At the end of the dimly-lit passage the great stone door was left ajar. Outside the cold bit through Kali and Brockan’s clothing like knifes as they rushed up towards a small hut. Outside the hut a small boy was sobbing uncontrollably, he looked up with bright blue eyes when they approached. Before the child could say a word Kali noticed that what she had thought was a sack was actually a man’s corpse lying still with a great gash in his side.
“What happened?” Kali asked in a strickened voice. The six year old boy that they knew was called Talaror looked away and replied,
“I don’t know. I found him like this.”
Then Kali noticed a trail of blood like great puddles of wine leading back the way they had come. Quickly Kali showed Brockan the trail with Talaror trailing behind. The blood led away towards a stone hut on the other side of their home. Hurriedly Kali and Brockan sprinted up to the hut and inside they saw the trail of blood finish. Talaror finally caught up with them just as they entered the small chamber. There inside holding the bronze axe was Taleron his long, narrow face whipped around to face them as he heard them enter. As quick as a cheetah Taleron dropped the bronze axe behind his cold, stone bed. Kali knew that Taleron was one of the people who had wanted to throw Tenko out of the tribe when he had first arrived and she also thought he might have provoked Corwin to try and steel the Bronze the first time out of pure jealousy.
Taleron’s oily black hair obscured his face as Kali, Brockan and slightly behind Talaror followed. Despite Taleron’s best effort to hide the axe Kali and Brockan had spotted it just before he had dropped it. As Kali and Brockan stepped forward Taleron slipped a thin hand behind his bed and gripped the handle of the bronze axe, while casually saying
“Why are you here?”
“To retrieve the axe you stole from Tenko!” Brockan challenged. Just as Brockan said these words Taleron drew the bronze axe and stood up.
Suddenly Tenko flew in through the door straight into Taleron and knocked him to the ground.
“Let’s take this criminal to Birno!” snarled Tenko as he pulled the shocked Taleron down the passage and out of the hut.