It’s been a long time coming, but Charlie’s myth is finally ready and ready for the world to read. An epic story, it spans continents and stars a deeply flawed hero. You won’t be able to stop yourself reading. Put aside some time and make yourself a drink. Ladies and gentlemen we present to you…
Pythagorous and the North Atlantic
After a terrible war that King Argolotus lost, King Maldukar had power to summon a dreadful beast on King Argolotus’ land. Every month the awful beast (named Eilrahc) came and ruined crops, stole precious fuel, and destroyed homes, but worst of all he ate sixty-five people big or small, pretty or ugly, he didn’t care as long as it was sixty-five people.
People were now starting to complain or leave the city state because the smaller the numbers, the more chance of them dying. After ten years of this madness, King Argolotus sent out a last chance saloon, blind dog message to the city state, asking for a hero. If this hero did not turn up before the next attack – in 24 days – Argolotus would burn his kingdom like a dummy Guy Fawkes on Bonfire night. The king was pleading for a hero as if he was a dirty murderer saying, “It was manslaughter I’m innocent!”
When King Argolotus’ knights were announcing the message they described the kingdom as a bull ring with the people being tormented more and more. Thank the gods that one man heard this and a cheeky, happy smile rose upon his face, while his heart was pumping pure delight and his toes were tingling with excitement. Whilst he was sprinting down the dusty, cobble path, he noticed another man, whom he thought had the same idea as himself.
When he got home he took a piece of paper and a quill then got to work. Soon the letter got sent to the king and Pythagerous left himself nervously waiting. As scared as a cow at a slaughter house, he waited silently at the great market. The hero was soon announced, suddenly a little sprout shot up to an ear to ear grin on Pythagerous’ humble face. He was a little girl skipping in a lush, green meadow with the most amazing flowers surrounding him, there was that much joy in him. However, now it was time to prepare, he had a big quest in front of him.
Eventually, after a long time of planning, Pythagoras said to the king,
“I won’t be back for the next attack, as I need search for equipment to kill Eilrahc.” King Argolotus knew he had to agree, then gave him the bravest and toughest men in his empire (or what was left of it). Daringly, King Argolotus gambled by giving him the most expensive ship in Greece.
Soon Pythagerous and his men set sail to South America where they could find the ingredients to poison Eilrahc, drugs. On the ship everything was beautiful, all the wooden planks were glazed finely. The sails had spectacular silk woven by the ladies of Athens, who gave it to King Argolotus many years ago.
When they were near their destination they came across two massive cliffs with a narrow passage in the middle of them. The only way through would be the gap, but there was one slight problem, and Pythagerous knew what it was. Once you were in the passage, the rocks started to come in against you, the only way you could go through was going at top speed with the current on your side to gain extra speed. Annoyingly, the currents were against them, although the thing was, if they stayed where they were and set camp for the night they would freeze to death.
Pythagerous ordered a big burst through the rocks; it is said that if you make it through the first 200 yards it is a heck of a lot easier from then onwards. Awkwardly, Pythagerous shouted “charge!” then they started flying through the waves like a speed boat going out for its first ride.
The boat was approaching the first 200 yards, the crew started partying. When they did make it to the 200 yard mark, it was easy. what was said was right. Now all there was, was a 500 yard cruise to the end in which they would have five hours (when it got dark) to complete. The cliffs wouldn’t crunch together, there was no rush, this was the life.
Madly, a hydra appeared out of nowhere and climbed aboard the ship. Its red eyes were glaring in fury, and all five heads had a sharp tooth smile that could scare Hercules. Petrified, one person screamed, the beast slashed out its tail and whacked him. Its green scaly, skin gave the poor man cuts all over, and when he got hit by the hydra’s tail, his head smacked against the mast and gave him brain damage. Then it got worse; two other people screamed and paid the same price. The crew were terrified lest all of them should be killed by the hydra. Sweating, Pythagoras realised that he would have to kill the hydra; he got his sword and crept up behind the Hydra and then pulled back his sword…
All the crew gasped with anticipation except for the people with brain damage who started singing,
“Tra la la la la la, who likes pigs? Tra la la la la la I like pigs!” This was when the hydra noticed that something was going on so he turned round and saw Pythagoras. Immediately, the hydra spat a fireball out of his mouth; Pythagoras just managed to jump out of the way. Annoyed, the hydra went to splurt out another fireball. Sadly for him, he had a rock in his throat, thrown in by one of the crew members, so he got the fire trapped in his throat and set himself alight. The hydra’s heart and lungs got burnt to a frazzle, so, to cut a long story short, he died.
After this madness, all of the crew were hungry. However there was nothing to eat. Eventually Pythagoras said,
“We’ll have to eat the hydra.” The others complained. One crewman said,
“Erm, I heard that you had to do a dance to make the hydra nice, or it will come back to life and eat you up.” Pythagoras wasn’t sure if that was a little tale for toddlers, he thouht it was like saying, “If you don’t eat your greens the vegetable monster will get you!” Pythagoras was having none of this hoo hah. In the end they didn’t regret eating it because it tasted like gammon.
Once they were through the two cliffs it seemed like an easy ride, infact it couldn’t have been any easier until…
They met an evil sorcerer named Draco. He said that he wanted three of Pythagoras’ crew or he would burn the ship and kill them all. Pythagerous asked if there were any brave volunteers. Obviously, no one stood forward. Draco was a fine youth, although if you looked him in the eye and studdied his sly, but muscular body carefully you could tell he was one of the meanest men in Greece. Sighing and weeping, Pythagerous came up with a decision-he knew there was no point arguing sorcerer so-he decided to send the three brain damaged people, even though he would regret for the rest of his life. Pythagerous tried to sail away quickly, but then Draco called out,
“Nice doing business with you!” A smile then slashed across his pale face with his black cape flying high in the wind.
It was obvious Pythageras didn’t want to go on anymore, he was crying his eyes out saying over and over he made the wrong decision. Relieved, the crew landed on the coast of Brazil,they knew their captain would have to come out of his cabin. Reluctantly, Pythagoras pulled away from the muscly arm gripping him, but it was no use; the crew pulled him out onto the beaches of Brazil. On the beach everything changed. Pythagoras became so relaxed. Was it the baby’s bottom soft beach? Or the beauty and views around him? Whatever it was he was in love with it. To him, it was like a man having a hard day at work and then coming home to tea and his favourite meal on the sofa watching TV with his wife. Paradise indeed!
Once most of the novelty wore off, they started to trek into the rainforest and across the Amazon. The rainforest they went through was like another dimension to Pythagoras and his crew, he had never seen anything like it. Green leaves oiled over him, loads of water kept on drenching him, but he was used to much harder conditions so he didn’t mind.
They got to a mountain after eight long days of trekking through the rainforest. They met a few snakes , but Pythagoras’ men killed them. Up on the tip of the mountain, a sweet sounding voice called out,
“Hello down there, do you want to come up?” Pythagoras didn’t know what this meant although he did shout ‘Yes please’ in reply.
Suddenly the ground started to shake and Pythagoras and his men were lifeted into the air, they started floating to the tip of the mountain. In three minutes time they were up at the top. The voice they heard was a fine maiden. She told them that she was the daughter of an air wizard, someone who could do anything in the air. That was how she got them up to the top. The lovely voice asked,
“Why are you here handsome fella?”
“We need drugs to kill this evil beast named Eilrahc.”
“No way, not Eilrahc!”
“What do you mean?”
“Even the gods can’t defeat Eilrahc. I will give you all the help I can, and trust me that’s a lot. Oh, did I forget to mention that my dad’s best friend with Zeus, that will help you on your quest. Plus I know where all the drugs are that you’ll need. I only ask one small request”…
“You marry me!”
“Ur…Yes I do.” Pythagoras didn’t sound half as confident as the beautifully blond haired maiden. He then said,
“I will only marry after the quest and if we succeed.” This was so she didn’t go mad and start sending out wedding invitations to family straight away. Trying to change the conversation, Pythagoras asked,
“Where are the drugs?”
“Right here, Smoochy poochy!”
“Really? We are standing on them?”
“Yes, Cuddle bottom!”
“Oh! And by the way, just call me Pythagoras.”
When they had their drugs they said their ‘goodbyes’ and ‘thank yous’. Then the maiden’s dad said,
“Zeus will be watching over you and helping you.”
Finally they left the mountain top. It took twenty five minutes to get to the boat because of the maiden’s magical powers. During the journey, something occurred to Pythagoras; he asked the lady,
“What’s your name?”
“Did I forget to tell you? Well, anyway, it’s Pandora.”
“Oh, what a nice…name!”
The sea was wonderful; a calm breeze, gentle waves splashing against the ship. They were now on their way to finding Eilrahc. Nothing was better than cruising peacefully over the North Atlantic Ocean. Every little gust of wind and spray of water was magnificent, it was like….well it was so good you couldn’t describe it.
Suddenly, the boat shook a little. Pythagoras thought that it was just a small rock they’d hit, but it happened again and again. Awkwardly, the boat started rocking, nerves were spreading around the ship. What could this be? In addition, horrible gurgling noises from below the water were heard. Worryingly, a major rumble shook the boat and it nearly capsized. Then, all of a sudden a mighty creature dashed above the water; it was Eilrahc. His many eyes shone in the sun, his gruesome smile glittered and hissed, the four other heads rose up. The one-eyed heads keot their terrifying looks. Pythagoras tried not to look at the eyes for more than ten seconds, it was hard, but he managed not to. All the crew were gasping with terror, their whole bodies were shaking like lightning had just struck them. They were petrified.
Pythagoras noticed the two smallest heads, they had the meanest eyes ever. One of them shot a blade out of its nose; Pythagoras tried to move out of its way but it still skimmed him on the arm and left him with a bloody cut. The heads looked dry and flaky, but they were as strong as saxon shields. Eilrahc’s body had red stripes running across it, they looked like they could poison you, when in reality they could do something that was even worse: they could paralyse you for twenty years. None of the body looked kind, but then it wasn’t meant to! Half of the crew were willing to surrender, however Pythagoras wouldn’t dare. The green skin looked like a sign saying,“Bog off, I hate you!” It was that inviting!
Everything had turned upside down for Pythagoras, except for one thing. He heard a scream that sounded like Pandora. He was hoping and crossing his fingers that she died. Eventually, Pythagoras plucked up the courage to get te drugs and poison Eilrahc. The thing was Eilrahc only protected his heart so it should be impossible to drug him up. Pyuthagoras and one of his crewmen tried throwing the drugs at Eilrahc. Eilrachc’s response was……well, he ate the crewman up. Unbelievably fortunately, when the crewman had been tracking through the rainforest he had been struck by a tillikore that was now stuck to him. A tillikore is a little insect that, if it got inside Eilrach, would turn his body inside out and guts would splurt everywhere.. So basically, what happened was….well I won’t describe it! Pythagoras saw the man Eilrahc ate. He must’ve swallowed the crewman whole. He smelt funny so Pythagoras thought it would be best to leave him.
They were now sailing just north of the Cape Verde islands on their wat back to Greece with smiling faces all around. When they were approaching the Canary Islands the boat rumbled in the same way when Eilrahc attacked. How could that be? Then the answer clicked in everyone’s minds like the last piece of a jigsaw. Even if Eilrahc’s body turned inside out it didn’t mean that he was dead, he could just heal himself then come back for revenge. Bad news! All the crew were drunk, they thought that Eilrahc was dead. One crewman was even on drugs. When Pythagoras realised, he chucked him overboard.
Again Eilrahc emerged from the water; he was prepared to fight to the death and so was Pythagoras. Eilrachc opened one of his mouths and tried to suck Pythagoras in. Pythagoras darted behind a mast for cover. Next, he jumped out and drew his sword and had a slash at the monster. Eilrahc ducked out of the way. As a response to the move, Eilrahc used one of his noses to try and knock Pythagoras out. However, he didn’t know about the brave hero’s shield. He used it to guard his face from the noxious fumes, then grabbed a cloth to cover his mouth and his nose. Pythagoras found some sharp wood and lobbed it at the main head. Quite a few eyes popped out and blood was pouring everywhere. Eilrahc smashed one of his spiked heads through the planks where Pythagoras was standing. He just managed to jump out of the way, then he pulled out his sword and chopped one of the heads off. Pythagoras put the head in his hands and threw it as hard as he could at Eilrahc’s connection oval. Eilrachc managed to avoid it hitting his vital organ – the connection oval – but instead it hit his heart, another vital organ. Everybody heard a deafening ‘Aaaarrgghhh’, but theyt didn’t care as Eilrahc fell to his death on the sea bed.
All the crew were full of joy, as happy as South africa getting to host the world cup. Pandora, who had earlier managed to avoid death, kept on saying to Pythagoras,
“Ooh, you’re the bravest.” Pythagoras soon had enough of this, he had to find a way to dump her. He couldn’t just say, ‘I dump you’ because she could fly away back toher dad, her dad would tell zues and Pythagoras would be killed. Then something strange happened. One of the crew members came up to pythagoras and said,
“What’s your wish?”
“What do you mean?” Pythagoras replied warily.
“Well, if you kill Eilrahc, you’re allowed a wish.”
“I dunno, it’s a wish.”
Pythagoras immediately ordered the crew to stop at the Canary Islands for a aprty to celebrate their victory over Eilrahc.
When they reached the island everyone got drunk except Pythagoras, who had a plan to dump Pandora. Therefore, he couldn’t get drunk. When Pandora was really tipsy, Pythagoras loaded her up with some of the drugs they’d found on the mountain. She went dozy, so every half an hour he gave her more until she fell into a deep sleep.
Te next day Pythagoras told his crew that he had drugged Pandora to the max. He said that they could now get away. Then he made his wish. He wished Pandorawou;d truly suffer and nobody would never know except her, not even the gods. This meant that Pythagoras could get away with Zues watching over him and not knowing.
When they were near home, one sly tubby girl named Piccalo Martin thought it would be funny to start a rumour that Pythagoras had failed. Somehow the rumour got out and King Argolatus burnt his kingdom to pieces. Then the king jumped into the flames and killed himself.
Pythagoras sailed up to the harbour, he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news. When he saw the devastation he asked himself,
“What’s going on here?” He heard a sly, tubby little girl giggling, she being stupid and foolish told Pythagoras the whole story. Pythagoras relied ‘okay’ then strangled the girl to death. She was kicking and throwing her arms all over the place; it was no use, she died.
As everyone was dead and the city was in flames, Pythagoras decided to go for a swim. He spent a long time under water, a very long time, a very very long time under water. Slowly, his body emerged from the water, although his eyes were closed and he laid there in the shape of a starfish. Everyone silenced!